“I can’t wait to be a mom!”
“My dream is to have a house full of kids!”
“Feeling my baby move in my belly is just magical!”
“As soon as I saw my little one’s face, I knew my life was complete.”
“I have baby fever.”
“I’m so ready to have another baby.”
Nope...none of those have ever applied to me. I’ve heard these phrases (and zillions more
like them) my entire life. But no...this was never my dream. I didn’t grow up waiting for the
day I became a mom. I didn’t dream of having a little one look at me and say, “Mommy!” I
don’t miss feeling a baby move around in my belly.
day I became a mom. I didn’t dream of having a little one look at me and say, “Mommy!” I
don’t miss feeling a baby move around in my belly.
Please don’t misunderstand...I love being Hannah’s mom. I love my little girl with all my
heart and then some. She is amazing. And I absolutely cannot imagine life without her
precious face, unmistakable laugh, the way she dances to the theme song of “The Big
Bang Theory,” how she claps her hands when anyone near her (or on tv) claps, how she
walks on wobbly legs, her squishy nose when she smiles, her baby babbles as she learns
to talk, introducing her to new foods, and even cleaning avocado out of her hair. I adore her.
And I can’t believe I get to to be her mom.
precious face, unmistakable laugh, the way she dances to the theme song of “The Big
Bang Theory,” how she claps her hands when anyone near her (or on tv) claps, how she
walks on wobbly legs, her squishy nose when she smiles, her baby babbles as she learns
to talk, introducing her to new foods, and even cleaning avocado out of her hair. I adore her.
And I can’t believe I get to to be her mom.
I am in awe of women who know in their very soul that they are meant to be a mom. And
my heart breaks for the amazing women who want so badly to be a mom but (for whatever
reason) can’t. Or at least can’t yet. I hope and pray that mommy-hood finds you. And soon.
On our first date, my now-husband and I talked about important topics. Our journey to findreason) can’t. Or at least can’t yet. I hope and pray that mommy-hood finds you. And soon.
each other taught us both that, if you can’t find common ground on the BIG things in life,
there’s no point in talking about the small things. So we jumped right into it. When the
topic of “kids” came up, I told him that if he wanted to have kids, I couldn’t promise him
anything. “I’m not saying ‘no,’ I’m just not saying ‘yes.’” I told him that I would never keep
him from being a father, but didn’t see myself as a mom...and I was ok with that. It was my
truth. He told me that he understood...and even agreed. He didn’t see little ones in his
future, either. “Jackpot!” I thought.
there’s no point in talking about the small things. So we jumped right into it. When the
topic of “kids” came up, I told him that if he wanted to have kids, I couldn’t promise him
anything. “I’m not saying ‘no,’ I’m just not saying ‘yes.’” I told him that I would never keep
him from being a father, but didn’t see myself as a mom...and I was ok with that. It was my
truth. He told me that he understood...and even agreed. He didn’t see little ones in his
future, either. “Jackpot!” I thought.
We were married about 17 months later, and all seemed right in the world.
And then it happened...after a few too many drinks one night, he looked at me with his
blue-gray eyes, and I knew.
“You’re going to have to say it,” I told him. “I need you to say it.”
“I want to have a baby. And I know what we said on our first date and I don’t want to
pressure you...but...I want to have a baby.”
pressure you...but...I want to have a baby.”
“Ok. I hear you,” I said. “I’ll think about it. Don’t ask me about it...just give me some time
and let me wrap my head around it.”
and let me wrap my head around it.”
After several months of thinking and praying and praying and praying…”Let’s just live life
and see what God has planned.”
And Hannah made her debut in January 2018.
Am I different now? Of course...how could I not be different. Being Hannah’s Mom is
one of my greatest achievements in life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. In no way
do I regret making the decision to “just see what happens.” And I would never EVER want
my sweet girl to think otherwise.
Would my life be different if she wasn’t here? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean my life
would be less than it is now. I would still be living life...having good days and bad days...
and everything in between. Life would still be an adventure. It wouldn’t just be a different
adventure. I would be different...but it wouldn't be less.
“Don’t you want another baby?”
Nope...not in the way you mean it. So stop asking.Will I have another baby? I hope so...when the time is right. I want Hannah to have a
sibling. I want her to have a brother or sister who will be there in ways my siblings have
always been there for me. And when, God willing, that little one comes along, I will love
him/her in ways I can’t imagine. And that little one will bless me in ways I don’t know I
need. And even though it doesn’t feel like anything is missing now...we will feel like a
missing piece has arrived. I won’t be able to imagine life any other way.
I didn’t want to be a mom...didn’t dream of having kids...didn’t long for the day when i
would hear that first cry in the hospital...I didn’t look into my future and see playdates...
and I definitely didn’t think I would hope against hope that I would change a poopy
diaper (it’s funny the things you wish for whenyou have a little one)...I didn’t see any of it
in my future. That’s part of my story. But contrary to popular belief...that never made me
broken.
would hear that first cry in the hospital...I didn’t look into my future and see playdates...
and I definitely didn’t think I would hope against hope that I would change a poopy
diaper (it’s funny the things you wish for whenyou have a little one)...I didn’t see any of it
in my future. That’s part of my story. But contrary to popular belief...that never made me
broken.
“Oh, you’ll change your mind when the time comes.”
Nope...not even close. I didn’t change my mind...I didn’t suddenly decide I wanted to be
a mom. I didn’t hear my biological clock ticking...and I for sure didn’t dream of the pitter-
patter of little feet.
a mom. I didn’t hear my biological clock ticking...and I for sure didn’t dream of the pitter-
patter of little feet.
What really happened was this...I decided I loved my husband enough take the chance. He
was made to be a dad. He deserved the chance to be a dad. We have a baby because he
needed to be a dad. And I knew that any child lucky enough to have him for a dad would be
the most loved and adored kiddo on the planet. I also knew that he was “Dad enough” to make
up for whatever screw ups I would have as a Mom. I knew that I had (have) amazing women in
my life who would teach and guide me along the way. Mommin’ aint easy! We gotta stick \
together!
We have to stop judging women who, for whatever reason, don’t see themselves walking this
road. It’s ok to not want to be a mom.
